Megatron Goes to Energon Mountain
by Faecat
Summary: CRACKFIC! Parody of Charlie the Unicorn Goes to Candy Mountain. I am not to be held responsible for the crack within. anasazidarkmoon's giftfic in response to Showtime!


_ Okay, fair warning before I even dream of letting you get started on this: THIS IS PURE, UNADULTRATED CRACK. You have been warned._

_ This fic was written for _anasazidarkmoon _in return for her crackfic __**Showtime!**__ Seriously, if you haven't read that and you need a laugh and some seriously disturbing images trapped in your brain for all of eternity (trust me, they're SO worth it) than go read it._

_ Now that that is all out of the way, enjoy this pure crack._

_ Parody of __**Charlie the Unicorn goes to Candy Mountain.**__ Look it up on YouTube and hate me forever. :D_

**Megatron Goes to Energon Mountain**

The sun was up, but the weather wasn't too warm and there was a lovely wind blowing. Not that all of that was important to a Cybertronian, but even one as jaded to the comforts of surroundings as Megatron had to admit that it was a 'nice day' here on Earth.

He had taken some time for himself, for once, leaving his subordinates to deal with the base themselves. Sometimes even the great Megatron needed time away. Especially after recent events where he was greatly lacking on recharge and desperately needed some down time to set his processor straight. He didn't need his underlings seeing that he was falling weak do to stress, that would not get him anywhere, so some time off was the best option.

Secluding himself behind a large rock in an area surrounded by trees, he laid back to enjoy this unusual moment of appreciation.

"Hey, Megsy...hey, Megsy wake up!"

The great Decepticon lord knew, _knew_ he was hearing things. There was no, possible way that anyone was disturbing his solitude.

"Yeah, Megsy, you silly sleepy head, wake up!"

As a second voice joined the first, Megatron decided he was malfunctioning, he had to be. There was no other reason for it, so decided to look and see who his processor had generated to pester him during his time of rest.

What his optics saw confirmed that he was, indeed, hallucinating.

"Ehhh, oh Primus, you guys?" Before him stood his once brother, now mortal enemy Optimus Prime and his rather annoyingly capable medical mech, Ratchet. "This had better be pretty freaking important. Is the meadow on fire?"

"No, Megsy," Optimus assured with a rather unsettling relaxed laugh. "We found a map to Energon Mountain. Energon mountain Megsy!"

"Yeah, Megsy!" Ratchet chimed in just as eagerly as his out of character partner. "We're going to Energon Mountain! Come with us Megsy."

"Yeah, Megsy! It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure, Megsy!"

Megatron studied the two apparitions before him, knowing beyond belief now that he was absolutely beyond any hope of a doubt, hallucinating and probably needed to go see his own medic. However, he decided he really didn't want to admit this sudden spike of insanity to anyone else just yet so chose to do the next best thing and try to ignore them. "Yeah, Energon Mountain, right. I'm just gonna, you know, go back to recharge now."

Much to Megatron's dismay, the illusions would not so easily be put out of mind.

"NOOO, Megsy!" Optimus shouted, doing some strange flip that ended with him jumping up and down on Megatron's upturned chest. The Decepticon Lord was a bit surprised to find that the phantom had weight to him, and it was kind of unpleasant. "You have to come with us to Energon mountain!"

Ratchet, thankfully, stayed where he was, but still refused to let the idea go. "Yeah Megsy, Energon Mountain! It's a land of sweets and joy, and joyness..."

"Please stop bouncing on me." He attempted, hoping that at least the annoying discomfort would stop.

"Energon Mountain, Megsy!" Optimus stated again, continuing his confounded jumping.

"Yeah! Energon Mountain!" Ratchet agreed again in that fake, too-sweet, foolish phantom voice.

Unable to take the jarring sensation of the phantom mech jumping on him any longer, Megatron realized he wasn't likely to be able to ignore these illusions back into non-existence. "Alright fine, I'll go with you to Energon Mountain." After all, what was the worst that could happen?

Several breems later as he followed the irritating apparitions of his overworked processor, he realized that maybe he had made wrong decision.

Their continued chanting of, "lala, lala, lalala, lala," was quickly getting on his nerves and he wasn't sure how much longer he could handle it.

"Enough with the singing already!" He ordered, sure that shooting them would do him absolutely no good.

Much to his relief, they obliged his order.

"Our first stop is over there." Optimus stated, pointing to a large mass of mechanical monstrosity.

"Oh Primus, what is that?"

Yet another image of the Decepticon Lord's stressed out processor materialized as a behemoth of a mech something similar to a tank with teeth. The machine turned to face the approaching 'bots.

"It's a Grimlock," Optimus explained.

"A magical Grimlock," Ratchet added, almost as though it should have been obvious.

"It's gonna guide our way to Energon Mountain," Optimus continued.

Finally fed up by all of the weirdness, Megatron attempted again to thwart the hallucinations with a touch of sanity. "Alright, guys, you know there is no actual Energon Mountain, right?"

Optimus glared at the Decepticon with wide, disbelieving optics. "Shun the non-believer."

"Shuuuun," Ratchet chimed in, equally offended by Megatron's attempt at sanity.

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnaaaah," Optimus continued.

Clearly, there would be no sanity this Earth day. "Yeah..."

The creature called Grimlock roared deafeningly at the party of hallucinations plus one.

Optimus appeared pleased by this utterance and proceeded to cheer; "It has spoken!"

To which, of course, Ratchet added; "It has told us the way!"

Megatron tried for a few kliks to comprehend what Grimlock could have possibly said, but there simply wasn't anything to be deciphered. "It didn't say anything!" He shouted after the figments as they continued their journey.

They continued on for what was just too long in Megatron's processor until they came upon a very desecrated looking bridge flimsily constructed of lumber and tightly coiled rope.

Optimus stood to one side, waving Megatron forward. "It's just over this bridge, Megsy."

"This magical bridge! Of hope and Wonder!" Ratchet said as he followed Optimus onto the rickety bridge.

Despite his better judgment, Megatron followed these impossible delusions onto the bridge he was pretty sure wouldn't support one of them, let alone all three.

It creaked and cracked, chunks of the wood biting into the creases in his armor. "Is anyone else getting, like, covered in splinters? Seriously, guys, we shouldn't be on this thing."

They two phantoms paused on the bridge, keeping Megatron from moving forward, and he honestly considered going back even though at this point it was further to go back than it was to continue forward.

"Megsy," Optimus called out in a rather annoying voice, begging for attention. "Meeeeeeeeegsy. Meeeegsy. Meee.."

"I'm right here, what do you want?"

"We're on a bridge, Megsy!" He stated excitedly before the two Autobot images continued forward.

Again Megatron considered contacting his own medic, after all, this was really getting out of hand. What in the multi-verse was he doing chasing after Autobot hallucinations anyway? What did it say about his state of mind that instead of resolutely ignoring them, he was following them around searching for some stupid made up place that he was sure didn't exist – even more so than he was sure these two Autobot's weren't real – despite the impossibility of it. Why was he putting himself through this?

"We're here!" Ratchet exclaimed, breaking Megatron's personal pep-talk to turn away.

Before them stood a rather uncertain pile of Energon with a gaping opening. Tall letters above the hole in the mountain declared the place as 'Energon Mountain'.

Megatron couldn't stop the unamused laugh that crept out of his intakes. "Well, what do you know, there actually is a Energon Mountain."

Optimus was clearly overjoyed by the sight of the place. "Energon Mountain! Energon Mountain! Fill me with sweet sugary goodness," he sang as he danced about ludicrously.

Ratchet pulled his larger leader back a bit and turned to Megatron. "Go inside the Energon Mountain cave."

"Yeah, Megsy," Optimus agreed, a sparkle in his optics as he turned to Megatron, "go inside the cave. Magical wonders you will behold when you enter."

Even if he had followed his delusions this far, there was no way he was going to trust Autobots inviting him into a cave made of energon. "Yeah, uh, thanks but no thanks. I'm gonna stay out here."

Alarm quickly took over Ratchet's face at his denial. "But you have to enter the Energon mountain Energon cave, Megsy."

As if brought to life by Ratchet's words, the letters above the cave jumped forward and sprouted legs and arms of their own.

At this point, Megatron decided he was recharging somewhere far from where he thought he was now and this was all some deluded expression of his processor trying to cope with the overabundance of stress he had been forced to endure over the past vorns. He was entirely convinced of this the moment the letters started singing and dancing:

"_Oh when you're down and looking for some cheering up  
Then just head right on up to the Energon Mountain cave  
When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land  
Such a happy and joy filled and perky merry land  
They've got mid-grade and high-grade and tasty Energon things  
Oh so many things that will brighten up your day  
It's impossible to wear a frown in Energon town  
It's the mecca of love the Energon cave  
They've got additives and concoctions with little hats  
Energon rats, energon bats, it's a wonderland of sweets  
Ride the Energon train to town and hear the Energon band  
Energon bells, it's a treat, as they march across the land  
Energon ribbons stream across the sky and to the ground  
Turn around, it astounds, it's a dancing Energon tree  
In the Energon cave imagination runs so free  
So now Megsy please will you go into the cave?"_

His processor was completely blown at the antics, and he couldn't even comprehend half the things that dancing, singing letter had just claimed would be inside the dark hole surrounded by raw energon, but either way, he wanted it to stop. "Alright fine!" He shouted, hoping to stop any further insanity from popping up. "I'll go into the fraggin Energon cave. This had better be good."

Chills ran through his entire frame when he heard dark laughter coming from the two hallucinations he had followed all the way out here.

"Good-bye Megsy!" Optimus sang in a dark tone.

"Yeah," Ratchet agreed, in a similarly dark tone, "good-bye Megsy!"

"Good-bye? What?" He turned to go back out, but the cave was suddenly sealed, trapping him inside. "Hey, what's going on here? Hello?" He considered shooting his way out, but with raw energon all around he wasn't sure what his own chances of survival would be.

A noise from somewhere within the cave drew his attention. "Who is that?"

The next thing he knew, there was nothing.

When Megatron was finally coming around, he felt aching everywhere. His entire frame screamed of a forced stasis lock and other horrible things. "Ow, gah...what happened?" He looked around to find himself right where he had laid down in the first place, with no evidence of his temporary insanity to be seen anywhere. Oh, but he felt it.

He lifted one hand to rub at his throbbing head and noticed that his arm was unrealistically light. "Gahh!" He shouted as he saw the torn metal and exposed wiring. "They took my fraggin Fusion Cannon!"

Several miles away, Optimus stood with Ratchet and their scavenged equipment.

"You should have just let me offlined him while we had him under."

"I think that perhaps that would have done more harm than good my friend. Besides, I have a feeling that our luck in finding Megatron in recharge was a blessing in disguise."

"Maybe," Ratchet stated as he looked over the Fusion Cannon; a weapon that had given the Deceptions so much of an upper hand all this time, but was something the Autobots had no access to up until now, and smiled. "What do you think he was dreaming while he was in stasis?"

"Of that, I can only wonder," Optimus laughed, remembering muttered words from the Decepticon Lord. "Lets hope it was something that might give him some insight to the insanity of this war."

"Yeah," Ratchet agreed with a doubtful smile. "Let's hope."


End file.
